A tour of James's mind.

2000-12-04T17:07:00.000Z

I said there was going to be no more blogs but I had to get rid of the last posting. Some things should never be written, kept inside where they can do no damage.

some bits of old bloggs

*grin* seeing Luan and Lewis together just makes me smile.

"beautiful mother, frozen in ice" - poe... Another line from a song.. The whole song makes me think of Luan, that line especially as her nick is IceMaiden. [snip]

2000-11-27T05:45:00.000Z

I've been awake most of the night. I guess I have a few things on my mind. It's unusual for me to not be able to sleep. These are things that mean a lot to me so they keep me up at night. Pissing Luan off is not what I want to achieve with this. This, my final blog...
*****
These pages always had been a place where I could express my feelings towards Luan. Let her have a bit of an insight into the way I was thinking.. Not always everything. Some thoughts are best left private.

Note to Luan - By all means have your long distance relationship, but not at the expense of Lewis. He should always be your top priority even when John's games mean you may have to miss a day with Richard. If Richard loves you he will understand and be flexible. Use John's games to you advantage. At the moment John has the upper hand. You could so easily turn it around.

Note to Richard - Luan and Lewis come as a pair. You can't have one without the other. You and Luan go well together. Good luck!

Well.. It's time for a closing thought.... (and not oh f*ck my net connection has just dropped) There are so many things I could have done better over the last few months. I should have known better than to go to the states. Think I could cover my mistake. Think that we could carry on where we left off. The past is the past. Time to look to the future. I still hope that one day Luan will be in it.. That is my dream.. I’m entitled to one dream aren’t I?

The only thing left I really want to do right this minute is take that bloody laptop out into your car park and run it over! *s* It has done what it was intended though, brought you closer to love... Unfortunately that love isn't mine.

2000-11-26T23:07:00.000Z

I've just got back from picking Luan up form the station.. Lewis was funny when we got back. Luan knocked on the door for her mum to let us in. Lewis calls out. "Hello Dames." "play cars Dames".. He only said "hello mummy" once the door had been opened. I found it funny anyway. I had to "go n' nights" on his floor. He got his duvet from his cot to put over me... Trouble was he could only cover my legs or my head and not both at the same time.

.. and why do socks with holes in cause such ammusment.

*****

My car is still minus it's heater.. Can't get a new matrix until tomorrow, which means that it wont get fitted until nextweekend. It's bloody cold (and noisy) with no heater.

2000-11-25T21:20:00.000Z

The various bits of plastic that make up the interior of my car are piled up in the passenger foorwell. My heater had sprung a leak and as I was working on the car anyway I though I would take a look.. I wish I hadn't started it now. I am one screw away from being able to remove the unit.. This screw is in the most inaccessable place ever! I'm going to have to pick up a bendy screwdriver tomorrow to get it sorted.

I got soaked through sorting the anti roll bar bushes. It got to the point where getting wet didn't matter anymore.. There wasn't any dry James left! I have never liked doing that job. I forgot that I had my wallet in my back pocket. The content are now rather soggy. The money and the picture have dryed out okay but I think the reciepts have had it :)

Time for a beer.. If I can find some clothes. Don't feel like staying in tonight, but I can't be arsed with going out either.. My brain has been thinking overtime today... About loads of stuff.. None of it recent.. Bloody brain.. I think too much sometimes.

2000-11-24T20:35:00.000Z

Why do lows have to follow highs... Yesterday I felt fantastic... This evening.... This evening I feel blue. Deep blue.

2000-11-24T14:57:00.000Z

I would have though salesmen would actually want to sell me something. I knew exactly what I wanted. I had already been on the phone to intel's technical support. Try and get a price on it and no one wanted to know. Strange.

The slow puncture I had been living with for the past few weeks became a bit more terminal on the way in to work this morning. I changed it at lunch time. I have a list of other things that need doing as well. This car was bought 1, because it was safer than having Lewis in the back of a capri and 2, so that my weekends wouldn't be filled by laying on the floor fixing my car.. So much for that idea. It would seem that my cars will always need work done.. I don't mind that much.. I do enjoy working on cars.. in the summer when it doesn't involve freezing my arse off.

2000-11-22T17:20:00.000Z

It's been a good day. I've been busy and the day has just flown by. I actually feel like I have done some work today.

I went to Luan's with Di for coffee at lunchtime. Luan said things were getting her down today. Infact, when I asked what was up she replied. "It would be quiker to ask what isn't up!" I couldn't imaging dealing with half the things she has to.

I did go out last night. Myself and Pete talked car talk as we invariably do over a pint.. The idea of entering into some for of racing came up again. It will never happen. These discussions are just pub talk. Ideas that are never to be realised. I will, at some point, go to a race school. I quite like the idea of driving an oval but I'm going to have to wait for that to be finished first. (I'll slot that in somewhere behind taking a flying lesson - I really should get my finger out and do some of the things I set out to do.)

2000-11-21T15:55:00.000Z

I have my keys back! I got the AA out in the end. It took him all of about five minutes to wedge the door open and hook the keys up through the gap. Why hadn't I thought of doing that? I guess they've done that kind of thing so many times.

I didn't do much yesterday. Watched TV. Listened to some music. I needed a night in. Just me and some mind numbing tv. I'm supposed to be going out tonight. When I arranged it I was really up for it, now I would like just as much to have another night it. I'll see what I feel like later.

2000-11-18T18:25:00.000Z

I'm back! The drive to Brussells is really straight forward and really fast! Even so I still had to call for directions to find the office. There is a very different driving culture over the channel. No one gives an inch.. especially if you have a forigen plate. What I will say is that their lane discapline is much better than ours. Back on the M25 I was getting really pissed off with people who just wouldn't change down a lane even though there was the space to do so.

Virgin radio is now preset on three of the AM buttons in the car. It's the only English station worth listening to out there. It doesn't quite make it all the way to Brussells. Eventually you are left with only Atlantic 252 and radio 4. 252's reception is crap at night so I got left with radio 4 or radio 4..

I found where I was staying (wemmell) was a very quiet place. Lots of places to eat. I could have eaten very well last night! Really all I fancied was a drink. I went exploring. I found which way not to go first. It just gets quieter, and seedier, I went back the other way and passed the most odd car crash. I couldn't figure it out so I walked on down into town... This was more like it. Lots of restaurants and bars. None of the bars really looked like you could just walk in unknown.. When I finally did settle on one everyone knew everyone else and then there was me.. It was okay though.. I had a couple of drinks to while away the evening and then buggared off back to the hotel.

I stopped off for the mandatory hypermarket shop to pick up some booze on my way back.. It was packed in there! That was the most stressful shopping trip I have ever done! You couldn't move. It didn't find everthing I wanted either :(

2000-11-17T09:48:00.000Z

I'm sleepy this morning. I was rudely awakened by the filth at 4:20 this morning. I lay there for a bit hoping that they'd give up and buggar off. They didn't. First I couldn't find any clothes... I'm sure they have loved to see me in the altogther walking passed the window.. Then I couldn't find my keys... I made them wait ages.. well what do they expect at that stupid hour of the morning... As it was they didn't even want me, they wanted to speak to my landlady. Couldn't it have waited until a reasonable hour of the morning? It was only about her car being stolen.

I'm off on my trip to Belgium in a bit. Should be a laugh. Got some work to do here first best get on with that.

Shame you couldn't come babe.

2000-11-16T20:11:00.000Z

I've sorted the bad hair now. It's back to it's usual shaggy like mop :)
Today was really busy but I was still really pleased when 5pm came round. Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed and today was one of them. Not that anything really bad happened, just on top of my general mood everything seemed a lot more of an effort than it should be. Joel was dishing out work left right and centre.. My god, there is stuff to do after all!

Oh yes, and to top things off today I have just locked my keys in the car. I only have one set so this going to be a bit of a problem....or is it.. wouldn't be the first time I've broken into a car *s*... Just can't be arsed at the moment.. I have a company car for the weekend, a disAstra estate. Bloody ugly, but and absolute doddle to park.. pisses all over the sierra in that respect.

2000-11-16T12:56:00.000Z

Today was always going to be bad... I woke up with a severe case of 'bad hair'.. It didn't go away after I had a shower either. I gave up with it and went to work. No one there cares what I look like anyway.

Don't feel too cheery today.

2000-11-15T21:30:00.000Z

I just had to think to myself, "what day is it?".... I really am loosing the plot? I've been watching depressing telly on killer diseases. Oh the joys of channel 5. Well it kept my attention for more than five seconds which was all the soaps could manage. The tv has gone really shite now so I've turned it off and opted instead for online amusement.. Not having anyone around tonight is really bugging me. I was going to go over to see Luan but she said she was "a bit f*cked in the head" today and was arguing with everyone so she said perhaps it wasn't such a good idea tonight... That's okay, everyone has their off days.

I have decided that the heating in my flat is about as efective as farting in a hurricane. It's been on since I got it and I swear the inside of the fridge is warmer! Okay It's only this room and it would help if I wasn't sat on the floor :)

Work was good fun today.. Justin and I were assembling some new rack mounted computer equipment. It was bloody heavy!.. Quite literally bloody. We both cut our hands to shreads on the kit. All the time I was working on the racks I managed to avoid getting blood down my shirt (which was white of course) I sat back at my desk for five minutes and I get it all over me. Oh well, I needed some new shirts anyway.

I got emailed the latest gig information for Twist today. I've got some of their stuff on 7". They play the water rats in london on the 28th so I'm going to try and get along to that. I haven't been to a gig in London for bloody ages. I'll see if I can drag Mr M out as well. We used to go to a few gigs in and around Camden. It was always a good laugh, even when the bands were shite!

2000-11-14T00:31:00.000Z

Its still cold.. Normally the quiet would bother me and I would have put a cd on by now.. not tonight though.. Im happy just to sit here in silence.. Just me and my thoughts.. This is odd for me as I am depressive by nature and so would normally by now have sunk into some low sparked by even the most trivial thing.. I'm not low... I'm not tired.. I'm gonna read a while.

2000-11-13T23:49:00.000Z

It's been a good day today. Work went quite smoothly and quite quickly too which was good. I was looking after Lewis for a little while this evening. I don't know where kids get there energy. I don't know about him being ready for night nights... I certainly was. Videos, cars, dancing (yes I have to get up and make a right tit of my self too), playing the guitar and taking photos... and that was just in an hour at my flat! He's a good kid and I like having him about. It wouldn't be the same without him *s*... He was leading me about by my tie earlier, calling me dog. Thanks Lu!

It's bloody freezing in here now. As much as I say that if I have got in late I wont bother with turning it on, it's too cold now so it can stay on all night!

Note to self.. buy new strings.

2000-11-13T09:36:00.000Z

Picture perfect mornig.

2000-11-12T23:53:00.000Z

Well.. Camberley cinema is still as scabby as ever. My feet kept sticking to the carpet. Yuck! The film was good though. It made me jump quite a few times. Nothing too taxing. I liked it.

I had a bit of a go at playing “something in the air” earlier. Tuned the guitar for E to make it simple. (It uses open, E, and this one finger pattern at different places on the fret board) Sounded simple enough.. I can’t really make it sound right though.. I’ll have to practice it some more. It’s a bit of a pain that it uses different tuning. I might just go back to normal and forget about this one.

2000-11-12T18:22:00.000Z

Last night was the annual Woking beer festival. It was also a chance to catch up with some of my friends who I haven’t seen in a couple of weeks. I was a little disappointed to find that the usual band weren’t playing this year and that we had these three old codgers instead… Worryingly I knew a lot of what they played. I really shouldn’t admit that. The beer was, as is always the case, of rather variable quality. There were some really good beers though. Right on Q was by far the best I sampled last night. I’ll be looking out for that in future. Damn fine pint!

We had the fun of getting there and returning by train. It worked, but in a rather disorganized and typically British public transport way. Sometimes I wonder why I drive then I have these little reminders as what a right pain in the arse public transport is.

We took Pete’s Land Rover off road this morning. It’s the first time it’s left the queen’s highway since he bought it. It was a right laugh driving it up and down this rather steep and extremely muddy hill. It is now suitably caked in mud which is destined to remain there forever… or at least until the next heavy rain. There were several other fools out in various makes of 4x4 braving the North Downs country side. We stopped and had a chat and a laugh with them at the three people trying to make it up the hill on trail bikes… We went up and down in the time it took them to get half way! I’m sure in the right hands the bikes would have made it up faster than us but I think the riders needed to try something a little easier first.

I feel like seeing a film tonight. I’ll wander down the road later. I’d quite like to see “what lies beneath”

2000-11-10T14:01:00.000Z

Yet another morning where I just couldn't make myself get up... This time I was late. The tiredness is still with me and no matter how much caffeine I consume I can't get rid of it. Thankfully it has been quite busy today and I haven't had a chance to fall asleep, otherwise I could have easily found myself being woken by one of my colleagues.

I woke up at 4:40 this morning. I could have sworn that I heard the phone go.... There were no calls... No messages.. The last call was from 15:25 yesterday. I must have dreamt it. This isn't the first time I've been woken by noises.. I really am having trouble deciding if they are real or in my head.

I've been listening to the remix of wild by poe. I like it. I've had it for ages but never listened to it.

I spoke to Luan earlier and she sounds much better. She's still ill, but doesn't sound anywhere as bad as the past few days. I'm glad she's starting to feel a bit better.

2000-11-09T23:44:00.000Z

Just about to call it a night. Just listening to the radio. I have candles rather than electric light. I have found that the remote for the hifi just about work from my bedroom. I don't know why I haven't tried it before.

2000-11-09T16:49:00.000Z

Today has been quite quiet. I was glad of the slowness this morning. It gave me a chance to chat to Luan without interruption. I always get caught though. I can't help breaking into a smile... That promts a reaction from across the desk of "james, what are you up to". Nothing.. me up to something.. never :)

Now (i started writing this some time ago but got sidetracked) I would quite like the workload to be a little higher just to make the afternoon go a little faster.

I don't think I ever woke up properly today. My eyes have been heavy all day. I couldn't move myself from my bed until 8:30. Finally I did it and rushed around like a mad man to get to work on time. Now I am about ready to visit my bed again. The general feeling of tiredness has left me quiet, almost anti social. I don't understand why I'm tired.. I have been sleeping more than I normally do.

******

I read this somewhere today, I forget where now.

"Stand in an orchard and you can't run anywhere, there are too many trees scattered around, but if you view it from the right angle you can see they are in rows, and you can run between them without having to dodge."

I don't think I have found the right angle.

2000-11-08T16:20:00.000Z

I woke up with such a hangover this morning. Thankfully it didn't last long. I think the pint of apple juice helped a lot. The whole support department were taken out for a meal in Camberley... When the booze and the food is on the company it would be rude to say no. We (well Charlotte) helped ourselves to some of the bottles from the shelves behind our table. They made enough money out of us they wont miss a couple of bottles of wine.

It has been really busy at work today. We are several people down and everyone is having to cover someone. I was even answering the phones for a while this morning. I've enjoyed it, getting back to the front line as it were. I don't think I would like to do it everyday though.

2000-11-07T07:02:00.000Z

it' funny how the smallest things can bother me so much.

2000-11-07T00:48:00.000Z

I cant touch type very well and I cant see the keys in this light.. practice makes perfect they say.. nah, maybe I'll just turn the light on :)

2000-11-07T00:33:00.000Z

This is a novelty.... I'm typing this from the comfort of my bed rather than downstairs at my desk... Admiral have kindly provided us with new laptops so it would be rude not to take advantage of it. I suppose I could have used my old one, but towards the end it didn't work very well anyway.

Luan's flat was sans electricity tonight... Thirty something candles being used for light and heat.. It gave the place a really pleasant atmosphere. It was weird to hear the place with no background noise... Just human voices.. No electric hum... I notice the buzz from the fridge here in my flat.. Even the laptop is providing its own electronic background to the night.

I left shortly after they had fallen asleep.. I should habe woken her, candles are not the safest things to be left unattended... Luan looked so peaceful.. How could I wake her.. I knew I should have as I pulled the door to behind me but the latch had already clicked shut......

2000-11-05T23:23:00.000Z

I sit here as the sting of tiredness finds my eyes... I peer hopefully into my coffee cup, but replace it disappointed. The contents long since drunk... I comfort myself with the thought that it would have been cold by now anyway. Reluctantly I rise, cup in hand, and make my way upstairs to the kitchen, the kettle, instant coffee and some badly needed caffeine.

2000-11-05T21:30:00.000Z

All that cleaning up and rushing about and my landlady just pops in, has a quick look round, and buggers off again! How rude! I suppose the flat was well overdue a proper clean anyway.

I spent most of the rest of the day round at my parents house. Myself and my dad sat about and listened to old 45s from the late 60s / early 70s. The days of his radio and disco DJ’ing. We haven’t done that in a long time. We used to do it a lot after an evening in the pub. There are some really good songs in his collection and some utter crap. As he said though, if the audience want to hear it you have to play it. (I asked if he had something in the air – Thunderclap Newman. After a brief shuffle through a rather dusty pile of records we find it. Scratched and well played, but there none the less.) My dad packed in the DJ’ing about the time I was born. The equipment and records would still come out for his parties. I remember I would sneak downstairs in the early hours after everyone had gone and examine the aftermath. The house always had an interesting smell after a party. I’ve got used to that now… The smells of stale smoke and spilled alcohol.

I’m really sleepy… can’t go to sleep yet it’s too early.

2000-11-04T18:29:00.000Z

I'm shattered! Went shopping in camberley with Luan, Lewis and Di. I kept (or at least tried to keep) Lewis out of the way while Di and Lu did their shopping. He was quite good today but I way carrying him for quite a bit. My arms have the shakes now. He is pretty heavy! I only wanted one thing, a CD, but that still hasn't come in yet. The stupid thing is that I have had the album for ages downloaded from the 'net. Eventually I'll get a genuine copy.

I'm busy cleaning my flat..Well I would be if I weren't typing :) I have my landlady coming over tomorrow to check on me.. Better not expect the place to have been dusted... Don't do dusting. Everything else will be clean though.

I had to fill up with super unleaded this morning. Bloody people panic buying again! I had to get fuel.... I'd done 366miles on the tank. I normally fill up at 350. Needless to say I didn't put much fuel in. It will do untill I get to somewhere with cheap unleaded.

2000-11-04T10:31:00.000Z

I didn't finish work last night until 10pm. That isn't my idea of fun! I yet again made the trek up into town to the toad for a beer. It's a good job some places have an extended license, although it does seem to be a regular thing for me to end up there on a friday night these days. I'm going to have to have a go at staying in with a book.

I woke up really early this moringing, well before my alarm would have gone off. I just lay there and tried to go back to sleep. I patially achieved it, but I never really got beyong the dream state. I don't have anything to get up for so I may as well stay in bed. The dreams were really weird though. I finally gave up on going back to sleep about 10 minutes ago. This guy and his kid were singing postman pat out side my window. I tought of Lewis. "Play cars now" *s*.

2000-11-02T14:11:00.000Z

I was in the pub on my own this lunch time.. Reflecting on a few things. Sometimes you just have to be alone with your thoughts. This was one of those times.

I found myself humming "fake plastic trees" by radiohead. It must have been loud enough for people to hear as I got the strangest looks as I left. Who needs to feed the juke box when I'm in the pub :) I've always liked the song but I guess it came to mind because of Luan's poem.. Just a quick seach of the web and there are hundreds of thousands of people all with the same longing for a plastic flower. Love that will not fade and die.

Just because my flower is plastic doen't mean it is fake.

hum, hum
"the green plastic watering can, for a fake chinese rubber plant....."

2000-11-01T11:21:00.000Z

I have a hangover... and sore knuckles. Walls don't have much give in them.

2000-10-31T19:15:00.000Z

I think my head is going to explode tonight. There are far too many thoughts flowing around my neural pathways to be healthy. Time for a drink.. and then more… I’m going to drink until I forget why I started.

2000-10-31T17:02:00.000Z

Looks like I'll be making a trip to Belgium in a couple of weeks time. Admiral need some equipment picked up and it is easier for them to send one of us to get it rather than courier it back. I didn't think I would get to go as I wasn't very enthusiastic when the chance came up. Still they have said I can go. I've sorted out the chunnel tickets and I'm really looking forward to it :) I just need to find myself somewhere to stay. I'll do that now.

2000-10-30T23:51:00.000Z

I’m very conscious of having been very quiet today. I’m not down or anything. I’d like to be all cheery and chatty but general tiredness is preventing this. Conversation is a bit of an effort. If I’m not careful I’m going to wake up still sat at my pc.

I watched X men earlier. I thought it was a good film. I’d heard mixed things about it but I liked it.

Back in a mo… Coffee break.

*****

Right I’m back.. Complete with steaming mug of coffee. I’ll probably get told off for drinking coffee at this time of night but what the hell :) It’s not going to make any difference. I don’t have a hope of staying awake much longer.

2000-10-30T10:12:00.000Z

I'm so tired this morning. I think the weekend has caught up with me.

2000-10-29T09:13:00.000Z

There's always one isn't there. Okay we're supposed to be going out in Windsor, pubs and then on to a club. Chris only turns up in jeans trainers and a T-shirt. Oh well, the pubs were good anyway. Just went back to Pete's after and got stoned.

*****

Blast from the past! What are the chances of being on a night out in Windsor and meeting someone I went to university with? Keep in mind that I went to university in Edinburgh. I've just come out of the monk. It's closing time and people are milling about going to clubs/kebab shops/taxis. Being the disorganised bunch we are, we are just standing around getting in the way. Then walking up the road I see a face I recognise. No it can't be her it must just be some one who looks similar... As she walks closer the same thoughts must be running through her head. She stops and we look at each other. There is a slight pause as we decide if we are who we think we are. "My god, what are you doing here?" I can't remember much of the conversation. There was a lot to catch up on and not much time. I've lost contact with everyone I knew at uni. Two of my friends are getting married apparently. Andy and Bev. No supprise really. They have been together since the first year. I can't remember what Sally said she was doing now. I gave her my email address but no one had a pen so I hope her memory is good. I'd like to try and catch up with the people I knew in Edinburgh. We'll see. I'm still in shock. The world really is a very small place :)

2000-10-28T15:38:00.000Z

We're not going out in London any more. To be honnest I didn't ever think it would happen. Dave isn't organised enough to get something like that to happen. We are still going out but only to Windsor. I haven't been out for an evening there for ages. It should be good fun...

2000-10-28T10:13:00.000Z

I didn’t get in until about 10 last night after going to see my brother. He had been given a whole load of computer equipment for free and wanted a hand getting it working. How could I resist! We got two reasonable spec PC made up out of all the junk he brought home and a few bits that were laying about. Not bad at all for free.

Getting in so late did have a bit of a disadvantage. Normal pubs shut at 11! Got my arse down the toad (again!) for a couple of beers. I met a friend from work there. Drank and chatted for a bit and then went on to Jo Banana’s.

I have so much to do this morning I really should get on and not sit here typing.

2000-10-27T09:11:00.000Z

.........Don't really know what to write this morning. What I did yesterday was so stupid. I feel really bad.

2000-10-25T13:06:00.000Z

Luan is miserable. She wont tell me why. I guess some things are too private.

2000-10-25T08:08:00.000Z

I'm feeling much better this morning. I have been feeling better since yesterday evening but I didn't feel like blogging.

I heard beeping again last night... This time it was my phone though. I lay there and thought I really should get up and get that. The next thing I remember was my alarm going off.

2000-10-24T07:54:00.000Z

2:27.... 2:27 is the last number I remember. I guess that was when I fell asleep.

Depression is here this morning. I could feel it coming last night, like a hunter stalking it's prey. Just waiting for dawn, my tiredness and a weakened mental state.

Beep.. Beep.. I was woken by. Beep Beep. There is nothing in my flat that beeps.. not at this time in the morning anyway.. Am I dreaming it? No, I don't think so.. Is it real?.. Is it in my head? I suspect it is just a car alarm being armed.. I hope it is a car alarm being armed. I don't need to be loosing my mind.

2000-10-23T09:10:00.000Z

I'm awake today. Yesterday my eyes just didn't want to stay open. Any excuse and I was off to the land of nod. This did have the problem though that by the time it came to an hour where I should actually be asleep I was wide awake. I just lay there an though for a while, daydreaming the night away. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep. It can't have been too late as I feel quite good this monring.

2000-10-22T12:05:00.000Z

Had a fantastic night out last night. Full of drink and high spirits. I think everyone was out to have fun, so the evening went really well. I always seemed to get left with 1/4 pint when it was time to move on to the next pub. I must drink too slowly.

2000-10-21T13:59:00.000Z

Some old git has just crashed into my car! He didn't even want to stop. Myself and the car that was immediately behind him chased him up the A322 from Guildford. It was only a minor prang, he changed lanes without looking basically, but what pissed me off more was the fact he wasn't going to stop! The damage is as follows: Broken mirror, dented and scuffed wing, smashed bumper, scraped trim. It doesn't look too bad but the car was in pretty good nick before. He nearly caused another accident when he was pulling away from where we stopped him. Old people should have to retake their tests! Now I have all the insurance crap to deal with. This is where only having 3rd party cover is a pain. I have to wait for his insurance company to pay up before I get any money.

I have had my hair cut. It's a bit shorter than I was going to have but it looks okay. .... Just think, if I hadn't needed a hair cut my car would still be in one piece :(

I got in from work last night. Had a drink and fell asleep until 9! After waking up I though it was going to be a shame to waste the evening now I was awake so I went to the toad and met up with Justin. I got soaked! It was pissing it down with rain. I wasn't really in the mood for drinking so I came back before it shut.. and got soaked again!

2000-10-20T14:58:00.000Z

Another slow paced day at work. Just about everyone has made some smart comment like "when you're on holiday you aren't supposed to come to work." I need to look after the time off I have left (now two days). There is so much that I want to pack into that short space of time. I'll never do it. I'll take the day off and just laze about.

Here are a selection of photos from the films I had developed yesterday.

2000-10-20T00:26:00.000Z

Just been late night shopping. It’s freezing out.

My flat is now lit only by candles. Much to the disgust of the smoke alarm which, incidentally, is now missing it’s battery. Candlelight brings a warmth to the place. It gives the place some character and makes it feel less empty. Electric light is bright and harsh and shows up too much detail. With the candles there are dark places and shadows that move as the flame flickers.

I always liked coal fires. I'd like to have one when I get a house.

wrote this earlier. pre-empted the candles (and going shopping - the phone did ring).

Silence. Nothing. Not a sound. (I have become accustomed to the soft hum of the fridge). The traffic rumble has long since died. Funny how the lack of noise can make a place this small feel vast and empty. I don’t feel the need for vast crowds of people. Fighting to be noticed in a crowd is a lonely task. No, just company. No need to even speak. Just the knowledge that there is someone else here would be enough. Electronic company, brought through phone, radio or net, fills the void for a while. A point comes when tiredness is too much to type and the hour too late for any calls. All I want, all I need is someone to be silent with. Company.

2000-10-19T16:43:00.000Z

I was planning to go over to the Fury (another kit car) factory for a bit of a look around and maybe see if I could get taken out in one. By the time 10am cam around I couldn't be bothered anymore and didn't really fancy driving all the way to Marden. I met up with Luan for lunch instead. We had a drink and took some pictures in the field near where she works. It's a really nice place, especially on a day like today. Maybe it could have been a bit warmer.

Okay so out of the two films there weren't that many really good shots. I think I need more practice. I'm back at work tomorrow so I will upload them then as I can't remember the password for my tripod acccount. Watch this space as they say.

2000-10-19T08:11:00.000Z

A whole day without a single blog entry! I'm getting slack.

It was a good day.. and a good evening *s*. I have two films that need developing now. If any of the photos come out well I'll scan them and link them here.

2000-10-17T23:39:00.000Z

feel strangely comfortable about things now.. I think I shall sleep.

2000-10-17T22:36:00.000Z

Well after the actually getting there was all done the curry was good fun. I tried a dish that I had not had before. It was very nice. Steer well clear of me in the morning though, or at least have your sense of smell removed.

I said way too much at the pub afterwards and dropped my friend Di right in it. How am I going to make that up.

2000-10-17T16:20:00.000Z

What a hectic day! These are the first few minutes I've had free all day and I'm really supposed to be on my way to a friends curry night. Thing is I don't really feel like a curry, or a big meal of any kind for that matter. Sausage mash and beans would go down quite well right now. I'll enjoy it when I get there but it's the getting there.

I did a fair bit of trawing through other peoples blogs last night. Most of them were of the same style as this. I did this, I did that, I feel like this I want to do that. Normal stuff. A few showed that there are some gifted writers on the net. They post less frequently but what is written is worth reading, not just by the peeople who know them but by anyone curious enough to venture in. I'll collect them up and add them to the links section when I get a chance. Unfortunatly it wont be now as I really must dash.

2000-10-16T22:54:00.000Z

I wish I could stop my stupid grin. Being happy is one thing… sitting there with a stupid grin plastered all over my face is just embarrassing. Especially when asked why I’m grinning! Why was I grinning? Good question.. Why the f*ck was I grinning so much. Well, I was thinking to myself “you’re cute with a cold”, amongst other things. And as I said, I just like the company. I need to take a lesson in grin control. *grin* stop it!

I have food in my flat now. That’s a bit of a novelty. A trip to Tesco had been overdue for sometime.

Wet Wet Wet have a lot to answer for.. and REM for that matter and the Troggs who wrote the bloody song.. I have love is all around stuck in my head. No fun I can tell you as I’ll just burst into a line from it while wandering around my flat. Thank god there is no one here to hear me!

My hand smells of baby wipes. Which probably means that so do my face and neck.. I must have been dirty.. Thanks Lewis, am all clean now :) Oh well, I guess it beats poo :)

2000-10-16T10:45:00.000Z

Di says I'm a fool for not writing what I was going to last night. Maybe I will write it here when I can think of a good way to write it.

2000-10-16T08:20:00.000Z

I forgot to set my alarm after the weekend consequently I woke up at 8:40 this morning. There then followed the mad rush to get dressed find my keys and get out the door in time to not be too late for work... It didn't work. I got here late and look like I have been dragged backards through a hedge... Hair like a burst sofa.... and I could still quite happily go back to sleep.

2000-10-15T22:25:00.000Z

So much to say, but not to blog. This stuff is private, for now, so that is your lot for today.

2000-10-15T22:02:00.000Z

*grin* seeing Luan and Lewis together just makes me smile.

2000-10-15T17:50:00.000Z

I remembered one of the things I was thinking last night now. I was thinking that it would be a bit of a laugh to go out in Camberley in a kilt. Not the full highland dress just the kilt, boots and a shirt. You’ll have to guess about the underwear :) I wonder if any of the pubs would let me in?

Luan will be back soon. *s* I’ve missed her. I always do. Fool huh?

I now have Di in tow when I pick Luan up from the station. My mood dropped a little when she asked if she could come. There is no reason for that at all and I feel bad that I had that reaction.

[picture 113k]

2000-10-15T10:53:00.000Z

It's too nicer day to go shopping... maybe I'll find something else to do.

2000-10-15T10:52:00.000Z

I must have been sleeping much less recently than I though. Much less that I needed. With no alarm to wake me, and alcoholic assistance, I slept right through until after 10. Even when I did wake up I couldn’t be bothered to actually get up. It’s good to have a lazy Sunday morning.

I watched once were warriors last night. I saw it a few years ago but I fancied watching it again. A really powerful, if a little depressing, film. None of your Hollywood happy ever after bollocks. Just what you need on a Saturday evening :)

Why is it that when my brain is working overtime and would make good blog entries I never have anything to hand to write it down. By the time I get back here I can remember what I was going to write.

I might get to go horse riding next week. That’ll be good. I can see how much I can remember. Probably not very much. I haven’t ridden in years. I’ll probably fall off. I never liked that bit very much.

I need a haircut, but that can wait.

I’m stoned now – Time to go shopping.

2000-10-13T15:50:00.001Z

Okay so I posted the last entry a little early, but you get the idea.

2000-10-13T15:50:00.000Z

It's 5pm and the weekend is finally here. I have no idea what I'm going to do yet, but there is money in the bank and I have no where I'm supposed to be. Just gonna do as the mood takes me. Maybe hit the clubs, maybe just meet my friends at the pub or even take in a gig. Who cares! The most important thing is that I'm going to be away from Admiral for a few days. I have a two day week next week. I'm looking forward to that, the three days I have off anyway!

My cold has gone! I'm sure it's just hiding but I'm not complaining, while its not here I'm happy. Hey, I'm just happy!

"Should I stay or should I go?"

2000-10-13T14:40:00.000Z

It's only 3:40.. I don't believe it. Come on 5pm!!

I'm all cheery now.

2000-10-13T10:26:00.000Z

Friday at last. It's really quiet today. It's going to really drag on.

2000-10-12T16:14:00.000Z

Sorry for the lack of posting so far today. I've had too little time and too little motivation to write anything of any worth. After all I am supposed to be here working.

I woke up this morning and my throat was really dry. So dry I was nearly sick. That was sorted after I'd had a shower though. The general head cold that seems to be going round the office has got me.. It has stopped at the streaming nose stage. It made a bit of an effort to give me a head ache but I saw that off with a couple of paracetamol. Now I'm just hungry. I quite fancy a pizza.

*******

I really want to hold her when Luan complains about the pains.. Not that it would make them better.. I just want to be able to offer some comfort. I feel really awkward.. Do I. Don't I.. I opt for don't. It's safer.

2000-10-11T22:53:00.000Z

I have been bought the most brilliant mug. "I need coffee". The little monster is so how I feel in the mornings. I'm really chuffed with it.. Thank you xxxx.

I've been attempting to play again.. i found that I couldn't even remember house of the rising sun.. No way! That was one of the first things I ever learnt.. I got there in the end though. I now play it as badly as I ever did :) I really shouldn't even try. That goes for singing along to things too. If you've ever heard me sing then you know what I'm on about..

2000-10-11T13:38:00.000Z

My tiredness has gone now. Thanks red bull.

I booked the tickets for the beer festival today. The anual pilgrimage to woking to drink myself into oblivion, it's always a good laugh. I wonder if they will have the same band again. This dodgy soul band fronted by someone who can only be described as the spitting image of colonel Gadaffi :) They're reall good fun, or maybe it is the alcohol clouding enhancing the quality of the band. I think that could well be the case. Still what does it matter if you are having a good time, and I shall be doing that.

2000-10-11T00:05:00.000Z

Arse! Quite literally. I have run out of bog roll.. My telephone directory is a few pages lighter :)

I've just upgraded my computer. It now has a whopping 64MB RAM! It serves my purposes so I don't need anything faster. I couldn't justify spending any money on a home PC. There was a time when I would have not believed that I would have said that.

I'm not tired.. I probably am, but I don't want to sleep. I just want to sit here and chill for a bit, drink coffee and listen to music into the small hours. My flat is cold again. I must get the timer working on the heating.

I've been having really bad mood swings lately. I don't like it.

2000-10-10T15:59:00.000Z

Lunch was good today. It left me in a really good mood and ready to take on the afternoon. We (Di and I) met up with Luan, Lewis, Sam and Josh.. (Andy and Mindy turned up later). While Di and Luan went shopping I was looking after lewis. He was being really good, a right star... Although being told to dance in the middle of the upper floor of etam was not really how I had planned to spend my lunch time.. Good fun though. The shop staff must have thought we were a right couple of nutters! It's weird how such small things can entertain a kid. The flashing green light was the subject of much concentration and the D lock on the railings.. Well how much more fun do you want.. I think he'd had enough though by the time I we left. Good timing :)

2000-10-10T10:59:00.000Z

"Advice is a form of nostalgia despensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more that it's worth"

Is it better to have everything out in the open or should some things be left in the cupboard? Everything about me is exposed so there are no nasty surprises but too much information can be a dangerous thing. No matter how many time people say that they wont judge you on your past, you are. It is human nature. Sure there are things I have done that I am not proud of, but I hope I have learnt how to deal with things better now. That it has all gone into what make me who I am now. That's what I would like to be judged on not what I have done, but how I am. Maybe information should be selectivly filtered and only passed to those who need to know... Maybe

2000-10-09T22:59:00.000Z

Just downloading some cool songs.. Doors love street (I'd forgotten all about the doors) and some muddy waters stuff.

Good night out... I can't play pool.

Luan is such a babe.. and in the words of willie dixon... "I just want to make love to you" That doesn't really go far enough but it will do for this time of night.

2000-10-09T10:57:00.000Z

I want, more than ever, to get myself behind the wheel of a fury. I want to get a loan and get the car. I can probably pick up a second hand X-flow powered one for about 6000gbp. More "interesting" engines push the price up, but if the car has been built well these can be easily retro fitted. 2ltr Zetec power would be the nuts... but why stop there.. 2ltr DOHC (cosworth) with turbo. That puts a grin on my face just thinking about it. I think fireblade power would be lost in a fully spec'd fury. It would be too heavy. ( they make a lightweight chassis for racing) Although hearing a car reving well into 5 figures is something to be heard!! Or what about a well sorted rover V8. HP figure don't sound to hot but think of all that torque! Options, options, options, but I need money money money!!! I'll have a think, and maybe a talk to the bank manager..

2000-10-08T22:03:00.000Z

Got back from Derby in one piece. The drive up wasn’t as uncomfortable or cold as I had expected. The engine kept my feet and lower legs warm and my jacket was doing a great job on the top half. The constant noise just sent me off into my own dream like state. A total other world of thought. There wouldn’t have been any point trying to talk anyway. Just far too noisy.

In total we slept 11 people in one three bedroom house. Comfortably too and with a full cooked breakfast for everyone. That was the whole crowd in the same place at the same time. It was just like the old days :)

The tank is still there are the surplus store. I nearly came away with a rather brightly painted Land Rover. It was a bargain at 550gbp. I had several looks at it and was almost talked into buying it. Good sense won through and my cad stay in my wallet… until we got to curry’s. I must have been destined to buy something while in Derby. I’d been toying with the idea if a CD player for my car for a while. I couldn’t walk passed this one. Half price! I’ve just finished fitting it.

Zanzibar (the club) is massive! Two floors one of pure cheese, this was packed all the time, and a proper club music bit upstairs. The cheese would have been okay except for Pat Sharp talking over everything. Matthew and I moved on upstairs to a less crowded bar and proceeded to get drunk. This bar not only had the advantage of less crowd, but also UV light… Girls, if you wear white underwear under UV we can see exactly what you are wearing! A good fun night out and not that expensive either. It puts going out round here to shame.. Then again where doesn’t!

My boomerang wont come back!

The weather finally got its act together today so we all set of to the park to throw the aerobies about and to try out the boomerang. They are supposed to come back right? Could we get it to come back. No chance! Wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of a boomerang thrown in anger though. This thing was lodging itself well into the turf when it hit the ground. I think I’ll stick to the aerobie. Much easier to throw.

2000-10-06T19:19:00.000Z

Would you believe it. I had a good afternoon at work. A couple of little things needed doing but it was enough to get me totally involved in work. I had a great time. I know it's only work but even Jess commented "James, your eyes are sparkling". It just felt good to be doing something. Solving problems. Doing what I do best.

I'm off out for the weekend in a bit so this is going to be my last entry for a while... Part of me doesn't want to go.. I miss Luan already (silly as I haven't even gone anywhere yet). It will be good to see Bob, Nutter, Simon & co again. I haven seen them in ages. It will be the first time I've been to Bob's place. The others say that the Zanzibar is a good club so Saturday night should be good fun. The army surplus place sounds cool. I wonder if they have sold the tank yet. I'll have to resist the temptation of buying anything......

Until Sunday.. Goodblog.

2000-10-06T08:49:00.000Z

I was full of energy and enthusiasm this morning.... That lasted about five minutes after getting into the office. I'm sure it's the building itself that accounts for my mood change. Sick building syndrome maybe.

Jeans for genes day today. I think jeans would be more appropriate work wear for my job anyway. We hardly see any clients and it's not unusual to be crawling around on the floor trying to get some bit of ageing computer kit working again. I don't think Admiral would ever go for that...

I think I will go to Derby tonight. I haven't been out with that group of friends for ages. We are driving up in an old exmilitary lightweight landrover. We'll all be deaf by the time we get there!

2000-10-05T14:09:00.000Z

It's raining, It's pouring, the old man is snoring...... Where has the sun gone?

2000-10-05T11:54:00.000Z

It's lunch time now and I am finally awake. I have done no significant amount of work since I got in this morning. I have been invited on a trip to derby, which I am not sure if I want to do yet. Other than that I've sent some emails and read the news.

I was wondering why the finger tips on my left had were "burning". I couldn't figure it out as I walked in this morning. I didn't remember touching anything hot. I must have been tired this morning. I was making a very bad effort at trying to remember some tunes on the guitar yesterday. That's what did it. I'll put the thing away again for another six months now. The trouble I have always had trying to learn is that I have no staying power. I want to hear it right now, not practice for months/years to get good. My playing is never going to be more than a source of self amusment on a quiet afternoon.

I found this quote, I think it is quite appropriate for today, and most other days actually.

"forgive the typewriter: I write in office hours and they mistake the yapping of this machine for my work." T.E.L.

2000-10-05T08:21:00.000Z

I’m back at work today unfortunately.

The sauna was good last night, my first one ever. I’ll be going again.

Sitting at the pub last night I thought of grease 2 and the English guy that has to change his image, becomes the lone biker, to win the girl. Would I do that? Isn’t the first time I’ve thought about it *s*, although the first time in the context of grease 2. Nah, I’ll stick to four wheels thanks.

I’m too tired this morning to write. I’m off for a coffee. Anyone want to join me??

2000-10-04T13:08:00.000Z

The afternoon is well and truely here. Just sitting here doing what Iike reminds me of being a student in Edinburgh. This afternoon would be perfect for a climb to the top of arthurs seat. No lectures to worry about as it's wednesday afternoon.. Slight nagging feeling that I should really be getting down to one of my assignments, but that doesn't last long. Would I like to go back.. At the moment I would say absolutly yes... Ask me again in a few hours and I might say no. All my friends are down here. I doubt I would know anyone at all if I moved to Edinburgh. There would be an outside chance that some people I knew at uni would still be there but I would have to make all new friends again. I find that hard. I think I am destined to stay in the Camberley area.

Silent for the moment.. No traffic, just the sound of my fridge and my fingers on the keyboard...

2000-10-04T09:18:00.000Z

I wouldn't have made it to work on time this morning even if I wanted to. I didn't get out of bed until ten to nine. I've got magic roundabout - Dougal and the blue cat on the TV but I lost interest in that ages ago. Now it is just a source of background noise. Just catching bits of the dialogue, just enough to let me know how far through the film I am.

2000-10-04T01:20:00.000Z

Okay so I haven't gone to bed yet... My eyes are tired but the rest of me isn't. I think that is my monitor.

Was readin g a blog written by a girl with cancer.. Undergoing the surgery and all that... I never want to go through that! Being asked. We can do nothing and you'll die or we can operate on you but you might die anyway.. My friend Pete's dad died of cancer... So did my uncle, but I was very young then. To quote derek and clive... "I wouldn't have thought of that if I were creating the universe.. bung in f*cking cancer... no I 'd have left that out."

2000-10-04T00:59:00.000Z

Woh... It's late. maybe coffee before bed is not such a good thing. I think they should sell me as a cure for insomnia. Luan doesn't have any trouble falling asleep when I'm over.. I've left her asleep on the sofa.. Luan asked me why i thought she was my ideal woman (brought up in an earlier pub conversation).. That's a tough one for me.. I'm not good at expressing myself. I tried writing some stuff down (she was asleep by then) but there is so much I forgot to write. Luan was/is convinced that I have a really bad image/opinion of her... Quite the oposite. Perfection. There is nothing about her I would change... Maybe one thing :)

Savage Garden's - I knew I loved you is in my head now....

My dvd player is playing up.. hmmm..

I'm going to bed.

2000-10-03T17:48:00.000Z

Well no work for me today.. off sick. Sat in my flat and downloaded games and read my book for a while. Daytime TV really is poor. I couldn't bring myself to watch it. My phone didn't ring at all and no emails asking for things to be done. That was good.. I think. I don't like to think that I'm that easy to do without :)

I have a whole load of things I want to buy when I get paid.. I've seen some clothes I liked.. Shock, horror!. I have actually been out and seen something I liked straight away!!!! Although I can't rememer which shop they were in.. Oh well part way there. There were a couple of books too, but they can wait.

I upset Di a bit with my last entry. Sorry Di. Okay maybe "annoyed" wasn't the right word to use. Still it's my blog and it's how my head works.

2000-10-02T23:39:00.000Z

My tounge had quite a sharp edge tonight. No reason for it really. Just had enough of being nice to people all day at work I guess. Shouldn't take it out on other people but sometimes things escape before my brain kicks in.

Went shopping with Luan, Lewis and Di. It was meant to be the pub but it got a bit late for that. The super market with Lewis is quite an event! An event at which I seem to be at a destinct disadvantage - he has more energy than I do. After tearing round like an idiot for ages trying to keep us from buying up the whole store, we got to the TV section... There are enough buttons switches and dials to keep a 2yr old happy for ages! I'm not sure what the other people in Sainsburys thought of it but we were happy.

Di was annoyed again. I can understand why. She needed someone to talk to, to say the right things back. I'm not very good at this. I never know what I should say, I just listen and acknowege.. It's the best I can do I'm affraid but I don't think it helps much..... Luan was on the 'net again.

My phone just registered with the network and made the screen go all wonkey :) I though maybe I'd get a message, no, I'm not popular enough for that.

I guess ice skating is on hold.

2000-10-02T16:48:00.000Z

I now have milk.. and a new phone. I finally got fed up with lugging my old panasonic about with me. My new one, Ericsson T28, is tiny and does lots more stuff. It has meant that I am tied into another years contract with single point which was something I wanted to avoid. Weakness got the better of me though and I had to have it.

I think I might actually make it to school disco before the end of the year. Now I know people are interested I can work on organising the night out. It should be an absolutly top night.

Other than that work was very work like and there was nothing really out of the ordinary to talk about.

I feel all sticky and clammy.. I'm going to grab myself something to eat then hit the shower.

2000-10-02T08:20:00.000Z

I have that Monday morning feeling. I think I'm going to be sick for at least a day this week. I got up and found that the milk had gone off. No breakfast, no cup of tea. I settled for an orange juice, which had itself started to turn but I drank that anyway.

2000-10-01T17:03:00.000Z

Quite a productive day really. I worked on the Tomcat for the first time in months. I started fitting the handbrake which meant dismantling the whole of the rear brakes again. I’m not convinced that anything about the rear brakes will ever work correctly. The build manual is useless so I’m pretty much figuring it out as I go. More and more of this build is looking like a two man job… Just to keep me sane more than anything else. It would be good to have someone there to bounce ideas off. Dave has nearly finished his TVR. Maybe he can give me a hand soon.

A positive side effect of working on the Tomcat is that means that I am at my parents and therefore get fed. Nice Sunday roast. I’m already hungry again though :( I’ll have a go at the left over chile in a bit.. Bucket of water on standby of course.

I’m doing it again.. Writing and deleting. Just been thinking a lot this weekend. I’m in a good frame of mind though. Strangely I find it quite easy to see Luan off to Swanage. I guess as it isn’t going on around me I can put it to the back of my mind and get on with my weekend. I was watching John Lennon night last night. Jealous guy was played. They couldn’t really not play it. Good song. Anyway, that set my imagination going. How I would have like to have had her there with me. Candle light, sharing the bottle of red cuddled up on the sofa. Made me smile… As I said I am in a good frame of mind.

I did manage to spill the bloody wine on the carpet though. Now I have something else to get around to. Clean the bloody carpet. D’oh!

School disco… Just remembered about that. Must look up to see if it is still going.

In case my being so cheery is worrying any of you out there in the great listening world. Don’t worry I’m sure depression will be back soon.

2000-10-01T08:31:00.000Z

What a gorgeous morning. It was misty earlier. The sun was just starting to burn through making hazy beams of light through the trees. All the mist has burnt off now. It’s totally clear sky now.

I’m doing here exactly what I do when I talk. Start sentences and change my mind about what I want to say and so I delete them. I guess knowing other people are going to read this is starting to make me feel a little self conscious about what I write.

Maybe I can string something together later.

2000-09-30T18:50:00.000Z

I’m all chili’d up. I though my mouth was going to catch fire. I made a right hot bastard. (mental note – less chili powder). I have the pile of washing up that goes along with cooking now. I might leave that.

I’m now also mildly stoned. Despite being told and agreeing to [the concept of] moderation I called my brother last night and this morning acquired a quarter. What would I do without him?

I’m having real trouble typing. My fingers seem to be preprogrammed with words… I hear in my head the word I want to type but something else comes up on the screen. Maybe I should not read back what I write and see what comes out.. Nah. That would be silly, not to mention unreadable.

I don’t feel like going out tonight. The though of a bottle of red and ‘leaves is much more appealing. Maybe a bit of Jazz FM later, just to mellow more what has already been a pretty mellow, no closer to horizontal, day. The only down side is that I’m likely therefore to be that I am full of energy tomorrow, Sunday, a day when no one in there right mind wants to be energetic.

2000-09-30T16:58:00.000Z

It’s been ages since I last blogged. I could put it down to being busy but really it’s just down to me being slack. I’m having a really pleasant slow paced day. Just getting things done that I’ve been putting off, like clean the flat. It had to be a slow one really. I got stupidly drunk last night. Too many Fosters. I didn’t really have what I would call a hangover. Just felt groggy.

I scrapped the Capri this morning. Drove it about for a while first. It was great fun especially as I didn’t have to worry about breaking it as it was to the great car yard in the sky anyway. I had it drifting, tail sliding, everything the Capri was designed to do. I had such a big grin on my face!

Would you believe that scap yards actually charge to take the cars now! That’s not on at all. It had to pay though. I was thinking that I could put it in the paper and get something for it but I really didn’t want the hassle though and I don’t have anywhere to store it.

I’ve just been watching If Lucy Fell. I think it is a great film. A bit girlie, but I like it. My copy is missing the last ten minutes. I can remember the ending though so that’s okay. I will tape it again the next time its on. It has some really good lines in it. I wouldn’t do the film justice if I tried to write them here. The soundtrack is fantastic! I’m listening to that now. I keep drifting off to listen instead of writing.

I should get on with cooking myself something to eat. I think I shall go for a nice chilie. Mmmm. And no it isn’t a microwave meal!

2000-09-29T10:28:00.000Z

I'm feeling very lethargic this morning. Being stuck here at work is not helping much either. I'd love to be walking my parents dog trough the woods and up to the lake. Maybe sit there and do nothing for an hour or so. Just watch the refection of the sky in the water. Some mornings were made for doing nothing. I think this monring is one of those. I even tried to gop back to sleep in computer room two. The air conditioning is set far too cold to sleep.

I'm going to drive my crapi today for the first time in ages. It'll be one of the last times too as I'm planning to scrap it tomorrow. I miss it. I may have to buy another one. There is no point in trying to keep this one going. It's too old and tatty. Still I've had a lot of fun in it. It's going to be sad to see it go.

I got talked into going ice skating next week. I've never done that before. I think I'm going to spend most of the time on my arse! Should be fun though.

Oh, it had clouded over by the time I'd logged off last night. I still had the beer though, I just sat inside to drink it instead.

...........I miss Luan.

2000-09-28T22:20:00.000Z

What a beautiful night. I hope it doesn't cloud over while I'm in here. I think I will go and sit on the bench in the garden and have a beer later.

Work was really slow today. Not through not having enough to do but more through my inability to keep my mind on any one thing. I filled up a couple of pages with words and phrases. The sum total of which only made for two paragraphs of good english and none of that was about anything I was supposed to be writing about.

Had a good evening without really doing anything at all. Took a drive into reading to find where the matrix was. I remember how bad the Reading traffic is now. We ended up in roughly the right place in the end, thanks to some "interesting" directions. They could have said that it was near the cinema! I would have known where I was going then. Some good chat in the car on the way back. Normally I don't talk much while I'm driving. Just sat about and chatted to Di when we got back... about all sorts of stuff. Luan was sorting out Lewis and on the 'net. She really has become a net geek! Lewis was tired and grumpy. He'd fallen asleep in the car.

I'm all out of things to say... What a boring blog.

2000-09-28T13:31:00.000Z

This company makes me so mad! They have two supposed developers working on making a change to one of the programs we run here. The thing is they don't have a bloody clue! The program is written in VB so is not rocket science to make the changes. This needs to submit jobs to NT scheduler. Piss easy.. Hey there is even a help file! Why couldn't they just give it to someone who knows something about the systems they are developing for... That doesn't mean I'm offering though.

2000-09-28T13:09:00.000Z

Just took a look at myself in the mirror... Woh! Scary hair! Maybe I should have checked that this morning, especially as I have just been to see the bank to get my overdraught sorted. They've (potentially) given me another credit card. "The computer says you can have one of our gold cards.. sign here". I have enough trouble looking after my own money without the temptation of spending money I don't actually have.

2000-09-28T08:55:00.000Z

8 O'clock came round far to quickly this morning. Sleep was by far my prefered choice this morning. 8:30 came and I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and came to work. I've made it in on time or early every day this week. That's bloody good going for me.

I've just had a very surreal conversation in the kitchen. It had the support department drinking tea from the best china, cucumber sandwiches, scones with butter and jam. Anyone listening must have though we'd gone completely mad. I only said I wanted a cup of tea made in a teapot.

Ahh.. time for a bacon roll.

2000-09-28T00:44:00.000Z

I've totally lost the thread of what I was going to write. Started chatting on ICQ instead of writing.

"beautiful mother, frozen in ice" - poe... Another line from a song.. The whole song makes me think of Luan, that line especially as her nick is IceMaiden. Music is a big thing to me. There is always a song that fits my mood. It might take me a while to find it, but it's there.

A very pleasent evening all in all. A few drinks with Luan and Di, and not forgetting Lewis, the coolest 2yr old I know. Just sat outside and watched the rain for a bit.

If I'd know we weren't going to drink that much I wouldn't have had anything and driven rather than walking back to mine. It's not that far. It was just raining. Am soaked now.

I found myself asking why a lot on the walk back.... Sometimes I make some really stupid decisions.. take the wrong advice.. not saying "stuff them" and follow what my hearts says. Still you can't change the past. It's all done now.. Life goes on... Just have to remember not to make the same mistakes again....

2000-09-27T18:30:00.000Z

The whole office was ringing to the sound of WHASSUP! this afternoon. Me being my usual slow, non tv watching self had not picked up on the fact that there was a new (how new I don't know) budweiser ad. Anyway I had to find out what was going on so I went on the website... That just started it off really. Everyone saying it, pc speaker blaring it out.. Good job Martin wasn't in! Good fun. I understand what people were up to on Saturday now.

Workwise the day ground to a hault after lunch. It just got too damned hot in the office and I lost any will to do any work. Spent more of the time trying to find pictures and the like. Not very successfully I might add. I must be loosing my touch, or the internet has just become too big to be able to find anything anymore. Stuffed full of personal pages and broken links, commertial sites and adverts, and windows that open all by themselves showing off the latest bit of 'net pornography... All I want to do is find what I'm looking for and get on with the day. Chaos!

Ooh.. went into one there :)

On a lighter note... I was exploring my mouth with my tounge (yes my mouth no one elses) and found some teeth I had forgotten about. Those wisdom bastards... I'm going to be playing with them all night now. Arse!

Don't know what to do tonight. My content mood has downgraded slightly, but I think that is just because I'm in my flat. I'll call a few people and see what they're up to. Vicars and Tarts night down at the standard. I don't fancy that. Feel like a "wankered Wednesday" but I don't think that is going to happen.

2000-09-27T10:29:00.000Z

The trip to the cash machine won in the end. I wandered down to the standard for a quick one. I wasn't in the mood for going out but I didn't feel like staying in either. I didn't stay out long.

I read some more when I got in. I'm starting to get used to the quietness of living by myself. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. There are still periods of the night when I don't feel comfortable there, which is why I went to the standard. I didn't want a drink, I just wanted noise. I had a drink though. It would have been rude not to :)

I feel strangely content this morning. I can't place why. I'm not complaining though. I like feeling like this. I'll take this for as long as it lasts.

2000-09-26T19:09:00.000Z

In all it was a very uneventful day. Work was okay, and nothing went wrong. Watched due south, which I think has to be my favourite TV show at the moment.

I spent most of the afternoon smiling. Luan liked the flowers and that made me very happy.

About those things I'd like to do. I looked up the prices for the Antarctica thing today. I really wanted to fly there. That costs far too much though $20,000!! The boat trip is more affordable at $6000 but it is still a lot of money. Why do the things I want to do have to be so damned expensive! I will do it though.. by boat! If I start saving now, who knows in a couple of years I can say I've been there.

No plans for tonight. No cash and the cash machine is too far away.

2000-09-26T09:59:00.000Z

I've been busy this morning.. hence the reason I haven't blogged yet.

Over slept a bit this morning. Still made it to work on time though despite not being able to find my keys.

I'm nervous this morning. Like I'm waiting to go into an exam. I don't like this feeling much.

Luan was online last night. Seemed a bit low. Still seems a bit low now. She says it's all nothing. If it bothers you it isn't nothing. It's obviously not nothing or you wouldn't feel low. I'm a great one to talk. My standard response when asked what's up is.. "oh nothing". Sometimes I just want to be able to give her a hug. This is one of those times.

Been thinking about all the things I'd like to have a go at. Two that I've been thinking about a lot are flying and driving a race car on the rockingham oval. I quite like the idea of oval racing. Sould be a bit of a laugh. Oh yeah and I have to get a trip to Antarctica in at some point :)